Leila's Blog

I felt really emty today for some unknown reasons. It was consistently raining here in San Diego, and it was cold. Perhaps it was the rain that made the inside of me pretty emty. Because of this emtiness, it reminded me of all the past. Once I thought I could never smile again. You have no idea how many times I've been crying alone in my room, holding everything inside. It made me sick, and I don't like that feeling at all. I was terribly hurt. I felt like my heart has been cut into million little pieces. I cried more than I laughed. I was hurt more than I was happy. Sometimes, I began to doubt about my existence. Some other times, I wished I never exist in this world. I faked smile and happy while in school, while around everybody. But when I was in my room, alone, that was the moment for me to express my true feelings. Sometimes, I wished I could cry in my mom's arm, could tell her all my problems, but that will make her sad and worry. I didn't want to put anymore pressure on her. She already had enough. When I thought of the past today, I really wanted to walk in the rain with the hope that all the raindrops are going to wipe away all those miserable moments that I've had in the past. I wanted the the freezing air to freeze my heart, to turn it into a piece of stone, so that I don't feel hurt anymore. Thinking is one thing, actually do it is another thing. I don't have the guts to walk in the rain. If I do that, I'll shock my mom right at the moment I enter the house, and I'll get sick. I desperately wanted to heal my wounds, wanted to put all the pieces of my heart together and make it a whole heart again because it's still in pieces. It hurts so bad that I don't know if I can take in anymore pains. I seriously can't. May be, may be one day, I will walk in the rain to release all the pains I received. May be one day, I can actually experience the true meaning of happiness. One day! One day!